TIP #10 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT:
Take an Anger Management Class
(Just to deal with Cartoon Characters)

You will have so much hatred for some tv characters as a parent of small children because you will be watching ridiculous tv shows constantly just so you can have a hot coffee or a shower or a peaceful bathroom #2. As a kid, I only had a limited selection shows to watch (remember Inspector Gadget, Teddy Ruxpin, Care Bears, or Astroboy?) and I had to watch them when they came on the tv. I would even be running to the bus stop because Gadget didn’t finish until 8 and the bus came at 8:02. I didn’t even get to choose which particular episode I wanted. My children have such an array of tv shows – a channel dedicated to children’s shows (“You’re Watching Treehouse” jingle plays in my head all day long) and Netflix which allows them to choose whatever they want. “Dad, I don’t want this one, I want the Easter Egg Hunt one”….on demand generation! I am not sure if my TV shows were really as terrible as the ones created now. I could be biased because Inspector Gadget was pretty awesome but some of the TV shows my kids watch (or want to watch) make me want to gouge out my eyes and send murderous letters to the producers/creators. I have created a list of my pet peeves of certain tv shows. You might have many as well and I would love to hear them.

1) Why the $%*& is Calliou bald? – I just don’t understand this. I can’t decide if I am supposed to feel bad for him because he has no hair or if he really is a sick kid and that is why his parents give in to him all the time or if the artists were just lazy and didn’t want to draw hair. Clearly they are a little lazy because the edges of the frames are never drawn in (just clouds and wisps) and they only have access to blue, green, and red crayons for the actual cartoon. Calliou drives me mad on a regular basis anyway but his baldness really gets my goat.

2) Why is Dora so loud? – I will admit, I do not have a lot of Spanish friends but I doubt that Dora’s volume is somehow representative of that language. She also asks random questions to the audience and stares awkwardly at you waiting for you to respond and you answer her (because you are a sucker). And the fact that she asks your kids to repeat and say things “louder” each time is so frustrating. On weekends, my wife and I take turn on who wakes up with the kids so one of us can sleep in. On my sleep in day, it never fails, I am usually awoken to what I think is “DAD” so I jump out of bed  to run out only to find, my child is screaming “MAP”, louder and louder because somehow the creators of Dora thought that every parent wants a loud kid. Dora speaks in exclamation marks and progresses regularly to all caps. Shut up Dora- STFU.

3) What the hell happened to Max and Ruby’s parents? – This one has caused me to stay awake at night. Why are two small bunnies left home with a random pop by visit from grandma? No wonder Max is such an awful kid – he has a 8 year old taking care of him all the time. I have a theory that the parents were selling crack to fund Ruby’s Bunny Scout fees and now are in jail. Or Ruby is actually a teenage parent and everyone in town is hush hush about it and pretends they are just siblings. Some news though is that this season’s premiere of Max and Ruby reveals something about the parents. I have it set on DVR to record and am buying a bottle of wine for this premiere. Move over Homeland, Daddy has got some Max and Ruby to watch.

4) Why do some animals talk on shows and others can’t? – There are so many shows that violate this basic premise. In Paw Patrol, dogs can speak and not cats (I know one could argue that dogs are smarter than cats but in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Pluto can’t but Goofy can). Dora has talking squirrels, cows, monkeys, lizards, and unicorns but not dogs. Who decides which animals can talk and which can’t?

5)  Were some creators just on crack when they created shows? - Teletubbies was probably the start of this trend. Seriously though, where does someone come up with these ideas and then somehow get funded to do it? Peppa Pig is probably the worse drawn shown ever, Barney was created by a guy who was on a serious high  (a purple singing dinosaur?!), Lala Loopsy freaks me out (check out their pupils), Four Square gives me nightmares (people dressed in spandex clothing dancing around) , and Yo Gabba Gabba is literally the worst show ever (creepy creatures and a weird orange DJ guy and drug induced dancey dance scenes - I can't even).

I have so many other shows that cause me concern but I can’t keep typing because my blood pressure rises and my keyboard can’t take the abuse from hitting the keys so hard. Like why can the Bubble Guppies light fires under the water?…..it just doesn’t make sense! I wish Netflix allowed you to block certain shows or create some playlist or something. I support the use of technology to help raise my kids but I am not sure I can deal with the ridiculous tv. I hope you have come up with a method to get your kids to only watch Inspector Gadget and Care Bears but I have not found the solution (other than real parenting to limit watching – yes yes I know). And if your anger for these shows seeps into your work world or some parenting moments that you know you could have done better, remember it isn't your fault - blame it on Dora.

Until next time my friends. You’re watching Treehouse…dammit.

PS – Stupid Calliou.

TIP #9 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT:

You can't always get what you want
(unless you bribe them with smarties)

There is no law against bribing a child. They are not public officials, although they certainly make promises they don’t keep and like to be in the position of power. But you have to do what is necessary to cope and sometimes it means bribing. At what age, and until what age, really is up to you. But from personal experience, bribing a 3 month old doesn’t work. They can’t hold the coins and searching for pennies in poop is a disgusting job. You kind of have to wait until they negotiate a little with you - this means that they demand something and won’t back down so really it can happen pretty early I guess. 

Once our oldest was trying to master the negotiation skills we decided it was time to find out how we can get what we want.  Our answer was chocolate. And we all know how  much everyone loves chocolate. We kind of bribe ourselves as adults to get chocolate. If I eat all of these brussel sprouts I can have that dessert.  The concept works on kids too – probably through watching you force feed yourself something awful and then smiling and making yummy sounds as you devour a piece (or pieces) of cake gleefully.  As we were getting discharged from the hospital, our nurse was giving us random pieces of advice like: no sex for at least six weeks (boo!); bathe the baby regularly; get some sleep (yeah right!); and use smarties to get your  kids to do what you want. For the nurse, it was to get her boys to make sure the pee actually makes it into the toilet and not on the floor, toilet seat, wall, etc.

So we joined up on the smartie bribery train.  We told her that if she slept all night that we would give her smarties. I kept a large container of smarities in my nightside table and with my eyes still closed reached in and grabbed a couple (literally two) and tried to get another minute of shut eye while she chopped on a crunchy smartie and rubbed the dye all over our sheets. Lesson learned  - choose something that's not noisy if you are looking for some quiet time. This form of bribery worked relatively well. I sometimes gave her smarties just for sleeping until 5am because that is still a win in my book and adjusted the time as necessary (not sure what adjusted the time means). Don’t judge me - giving a 2 year old smarties at 5am is not a terrible thing – not great according to a dietitian but they aren’t living in my house. But suddenly our novice negotiator became a master. She caught on to this only two smartie approach and demanded more chocolate.  Then I moved on to kinder surprise eggs. Bad move on our part because now you have a toy and chocolate rather than just more chocolate. And it is still a noisy treat and now I also have to open up the toy container because the company made child proof toy capsules - it is for a kid! This approach worked pretty well for us.  I would go to Costco and buy the whole shelf of eggs and get in my Uhaul and drive them home. Our daughter knows where they are (which is out of reach) and then we open them in the morning. Then I proceed to pick up the foil wrapper that has managed to be torn to shreds, eat the remaining chocolate myself since she doesn’t really like it and throw out the toy because it is garbage. Worth a $2 investment – damn right it is.  Now that she is older I thought about getting rid of this process and trying something else. I thought that our love and praise would be enough for her. She asked the other night if she will get an egg but we had none left and told her I would give her six kisses and a hug in the morning and a high five and she stopped, looked at me and said “I would prefer a surprise egg please”....well I did start this journey so off I went to the convenience store at night to buy some more junk.  

With our youngest, we offer all kinds of treats for going to the potty. As she sits on the potty, she tells me all the things she wants for a treat – smarties, cheezies, and a popsicle. To be honest, I can’t really debate with her because I am just happy I don’t have to change a diaper. And she is only 2. I am not sure what kind of deals she will be trying to make at 5 or 15. I may need a new job.  A friend of mine also uses bribery for poops in the potty. Every time they go, they get a treat. Nothing big but still something to reward them for their efforts in listening, sitting, and doing the deed. They have been using this approach for a while now.  The other day the child came out of the bathroom and decided it was time for a new approach.  She looked at her mother and said “the bigger the poop, the bigger the treat?” Kids are smart.

So don’t worry about bribery. We all do it –sometimes secretly but let’s no longer shame ourselves on what we do to get what we want to. It isn’t going to mess them up.  As an adult I don’t care about getting bribed anymore to do things I don’t want to do. I mean I go to work because I really want to provide back to my economy and have satisfaction of completing something meaningful. HA! It probably might have to do with getting paid (or bribed) so that I can pay off my kinder egg bills. 

Tell me some of your tricks to get your kids to do what you want as well. Social services are not monitoring this blog I assure you. 

TIP #8 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT:

You will become the Walking Dead

Zombies used to scare the crap out of me. Now when I look in the mirror I think it is kind of good to be a zombie. Little responsibility, no control, aimless wandering around the world and relatively hard to kill. As a parent, you will become one at various stages. I am not sure how I managed to get a paycheque in my first few months because I did very little at work. I think I just stared at the screen with my eyes open but I am pretty sure I was asleep. I had a window to the hall in my office so I really couldn’t pull a George Constanza and sleep under my desk (that’s a Seinfield tv show reference for those who are too young to know). There were many times when I left the office at lunch and went to my car and put my seat back and had a snooze. It was uncomfortable and cold but it worked. Finding a secluded place to park so that no one could see you was key – I remember when finding a secluded place to park the car used to mean something else – now I just see it as great nap time, not the possible production of another child.

While at work, I would sit in meetings and I could hear myself talking but I had no idea what was happening. People would ask me to repeat myself so that it could be recorded and I would stare at them blankly and say “I was talking? I have no idea what came out of my mouth.” And the level of forgetfulness is enough to drive a person mad. I would be driving to work and thinking about stuff I need to do and forget those things ten minutes later. I thought I would get ahead of this and use my phone to set up to do lists for me. Technology is a life saver for zombies. So while driving I would ask my phone “Siri – can you add ‘book meeting with the VP’ to my to-do list?” and then Siri would say “Sorry I didn’t understand. Did you say ‘Argg...Brains...Brains’.”

And the level of rational thinking drops dramatically too – just like a zombie. A colleague of mine told me a story about her son who wasn’t a great sleeper. One night she heard him yelling out to her so she got out of bed went into his room. He said, “Mom the cat is trying to get up on the bed”. She said, “Honey we don’t have a cat.” He kept repeating it - “Mom the cat is in the house”. Rather than rationalize with a 2 year-old at 3 a.m., she decided to just get some sleep and take him into the bed with her and her husband. And every ten minutes or so, he would sit straight up in bed and say, “The cat is in the house”. Then her zombie-like brain suddenly started to creep in and she started to think maybe there is a cat in the house. She was lying there for an hour thinking about this cat and every time she heard a noise she would sit straight up and look out into the hall. So then she woke up her husband and told him that she thinks there is a cat in the house. He didn’t know what to do with two individuals bugging him about cats so he had to get up and go search the house for this mysterious cat. There was no cat ...just a couple tired souls.

Another colleague who has two children told me that his wife asked him to go get the crying child in the middle of the night so she could breastfeed her in bed. He went out and got the kid and came back to the room. His wife stared at him blankly and said “Try again”. In his sleep deprived state he grabbed his oldest kid who was sound asleep at the time and woke him up to be breastfed – when he hasn’t been breastfed in years. He then left the room to get the correct child but now everyone in the house was awake. He had to feed the oldest breakfast and turn on the TV at 4 a.m. I am not sure his wife ever asked him to help in the middle of the night again – he might be on to something.

One night our oldest child came into our bed in the middle of the night and rather than being kicked in the face, boobs, or crotch all night, my wife decided to go to the spare room, thinking that I would just sleep with the child instead. Apparently I had a similar thought a half hour later and left the bed to go to the couch thinking my wife was in the bed. So now our kid got a queen bed to herself and both of us were aimlessly (or zombielessly?) walking around looking for a comfortable place to sleep, not knowing what was really happening.

So be prepared to become zombie-like but being a zombie ain’t so bad. Just don’t let someone cut off your head like the movies and TV shows. The cure to become a normal human being is a least 2 years of restful sleep. Share your zombie stories below.

TIP #7 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT:

This blog is brought to you by the letter V - for vomit

There are many things I do not like in this world. Peas, raw onions, and Donald Trump just to name a few. But my hatred for vomit is indescribable. And being around small children is sure to bring up (pun intended) some issues around vomiting. I think the mess is what makes me hate it – not the smell. I have always been a kid who liked to be clean. Getting dirty wasn’t something I loved at all. I have noticed that our oldest child is similar.  She hates to have dirt on her hands and I might be responsible for passing that wonderful trait to her. (Sleeping genes didn’t get passed down but my cleanliness did – I clearly wasn’t consulted on that one!) I feel like vomit just gets everywhere; you have to do laundry, clean up floors, and you never know what parts you actually missed when cleaning up. And a kid has no sense of that burning in the back of your throat and the face sweating that generally proceeds a vomit session. They just let it go wherever they are and it freaks me out to have to clean it up and wash clothes and the rest of the stuff that comes with it. Forever unclean! 

Just after our second kid was born, my wife decided she wanted a new couch and new carpets. Both fabric in nature… unlike the easy to clean leather couches we used to have. I said “well maybe with the dog and kids we should wait” but we went ahead (My opinion is listened to but rarely influences much. And I do like to make her happy). And as if the vomit gods Puka and Ohno knew that we put in new carpets, our youngest decided it was time to test dad’s nerves and the stain resistance of said carpets. Cue the long period of vomiting. Crying until she puked, eating until she puked, coughing until she puked, and so on. I once put towels on the carpet from crib to rocking chair and rocking chair to bathroom to protect our new investment. We got so used to bringing up the steam cleaner that I just left it plugged in and turned on. At one point we went out to a restaurant for supper and forgot to tell the sitter about her puking habits and she called in a panic saying that she puked all over the carpet. We just said “just use a rag and we will be home after dessert”. Poor sitter – she might be due for a raise.

Then there was a time when our oldest decided that vacations start with the letter V so maybe we should include vomiting too. Didn’t matter where we were going, there was always some form of vomit - car seats full of puke, car mats, bedsheets, campers, ground, airports...oh the places she went. Our worst trip was to the US. The night before we departed we were at a hotel and at 4am she complained of belly pain and vomited a little. Then we decided to keep going to the airport because maybe it will pass. She kept puking. We landed and she puked in the car. We got to the hotel and she puked.  We spent the next couple days with her puking and missing our day trips. We took her to the hospital where they gave her pills for chemo patients (they don’t sell Gravol in the US!) but that didn’t seem to settle it. Another ER trip with no results.  We headed back home while she continued to vomit, and then Canadian Customs wouldn’t let me go ahead to get the car on my own. She puked in the car multiple times with more trips to the ER in the city where they finally gave us some relief (they also suggested Gravol – as if I wasn’t looking for that on the black market in the US). This was the worst trip of my life. Some people said you will look back and laugh and I had to drop kick them. A piece of advice – don’t say that to anyone who is describing a hellish vacation or experience. Another time we were on our way back from a trip and she puked at the security gate, but we continued on because vomit is now our new normal and when we arrived at our destination airport, I had to shovel out our car while my wife had a sick kid, a baby, and all the bags. Apparently Shaun Majumder helped her with the bags – Thanks Shaun for proving you are a better man than I.

My wife handles puke a little better but anyone does in comparison to me really. At one point she said to me “you need to relax. Puke is just puke”. I said “This is me actually relaxed. If you knew what was happening in my brain and gut, you would have me committed.” And maybe mothers come hard-wired with a better sense of vomit reaction control. A friend of a friend said she was lying down with her sick kid in bed face-to-face and yeah you can probably guess what comes next – a shared mouth vomit experience. I am convinced that it would have been the end of me right then and there.  There is no coming back from that. But clearly she is still around telling the story. I can barely type the story let alone share it orally (no pun intended). Another father recently posted about his experience dealing with a puking kid in the car and he was texting his wife throughout and the cops showed up and it clearly was a nightmare. Click here for the story to open in a new window.
And don’t get me started on the dog. Her puke is awful and she deliberately finds the carpet and rugs rather than the hardwood floors. It is like she is trying to ensure that I go out of my mind and become hospitalized so she can claim the number 4 spot.

My tips – keep gravol in all coat and pants pockets, park in the shelters at airports, buy lots of travel insurance, forget travelling altogether to the US for a few years (it encourages terrible travel experiences - click here for another blogger's post), wear plastic ponchos, and don’t put in new carpets. And for me – take more Ativan. 

*This blog was not sponsored in any way by Gravol , Canadian Customs, or the United States tourism industry. Share your stories below about kids and vomit. Join me in solidarity.

TIP #6 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT: 

Prep your stink-eye for the constant advice givers

People love to give advice when you talk about your struggles as a parent. Sometimes you might be looking for some advice to put on your “try everything” list but sometimes you just need a space to vent about your problems.  Like when you just shout to the world or talk to the tree in your yard, or the imaginary elephant that appears at 2am when you are being woken up yet again. (His name is Elijah. He wears a onesie and likes to sing Disney songs. We have become good friends.) While people are ultimately trying to be helpful, they somehow believe that they are now the “baby whisperer". The only thing I can tell you to do to these helpful people is to smile and say “sounds like a good idea”. You probably already tried their idea or are not going to try it but don’t bother stretching out this conversation. Even though my last tip said try everything, it doesn’t always mean following everyone’s advice. Follow your own instincts.  I read somewhere that to shut people up about their advice just say “I will bring that up with my doctor the next time I see him/her”. People tend to stop providing their input after that because they know a doctor wouldn’t listen to them either.  

I also don’t want to sound like an a’hole here and say that everyone is providing terrible advice. I am just saying to take advice with some grain of salt. You sometimes just want someone to listen to you and actually talk back. Elijah, for example, is a terrible listener. He just likes to sing Frozen songs all night and steal my wine. A lady once told me to put my kid on a dryer and run the dryer on a full cycle and it put that baby to sleep like a charm. I am glad that worked for her but I have no intention of leaving my kid up on a fire hazard machine that bounces around like crazy, and jack up my electric bill. And what would I do? Just sit on the floor?  Watch the dryer go round and round while it creates a soothing sound that will put me to sleep too?  Oh now it makes sense.

The best advice though is from the old ladies who back in the day had no power and 27 children and things worked wonders for them – well first off they are liars, they don’t remember the first year (or probably many afterwards), and they had 27 kids who likely helped light the candles anyway. And who really wants advice from someone who had that many children – I have some advice for them – try contraception.  I can barely get through two children. I can’t trust someone who clearly got on the crazy train a long time ago. Toot toot.

Try everything but sometimes be rational and instead of saying “your advice stinks”, just smile and talk to Elijah in the morning.  

TIP #5 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT: 

Try everything now (and worry about paying the shrink later)

I am a big believer that not everything works for every kid. It is the same for adults. While I like to read a book for an hour or so before I sleep, my wife can fall asleep within ten seconds and that is not much of an exaggeration. This superpower of my soul mate is something that drives me crazy. Usually after a minute or two of me reading and she is somewhere between a nice dream and full REM, she will say “maybe you should go to sleep now and put down your book”. Then I remind her, like I do most every night, “dear, not all of us are like sleeping beauty.” I need a little coaxing to get myself bed ready. I think it is the same for children. Some like one method to help them sleep, eat, or poop, while others like something else. Why do we think that one thing will work on all children because a book or magazine said it would? My motto – try it all. Something is bound to work. Even if they finally succumb to exhaustion, you can at least say you won! I didn’t realize how competitive I was until I had kids. 

When our first kid was very young, she wasn’t a great napper. That might not come to you as a shock. Why else can I write a blog at 2am after being woken up for the 5^th time and am sitting on the couch debating whether or not to cry, drink coffee (or wine), or do a ridiculous google search that will leave me feeling awful.  Sorry – I got sidetracked which isn’t a shock either – look a squirrel! Anyway we were at a cousin’s birthday party and they had a swing and my cousin suggested we try to put our daughter in it for a few minutes. I was a little hesitant because no other method was working, no matter how many books/websites/magicians I tried.  But the heavens opened up and the angels sang a lullaby and she fell asleep. The next day I was at the store buying the exact same model and set it up as soon as I entered the door. I am pretty sure my wife opened the box in the car and was starting to put it together on our way back from the store. I would have taken the floor model and strapped it to the roof of my Mazda but they said it would be a liability issue. They didn’t understand just how desperate I was. Our first kid slept in this swing a lot and it wasn’t life threatening or morally wrong (remember that blog post from September). So months before our second child arrived in our lives, I had the swing set up. I was ready to put that child in there and have a sleeping kid from day 1. Well she had a different game plan about sleeping. She liked the swing fine enough (it kept the acid reflux under control) but she wouldn’t dare close her eyes. So the swing has 8 different levels of speed. I am pretty sure that level 2 is fast enough but one day I was so frustrated with lack of sleep that I put it on level 5 to see if maybe she likes a fast swing unlike her sister. It was like something out a carnival ride – she was like a blur in the seat. Yet still her eyes did not close. I think level 8 is like Mach 3 and they go so fast that they break the sound barrier and you can’t hear them until 10 minutes later – which is just enough time to finish drinking your cold cup of coffee (which is something you will take a liking to). My long winded point here is that you need to try everything because you just don’t know what might work. You need to have a process of elimination to say at least you tried bouncing, swinging, jumping, driving, singing Celine Dion or AC/DC. My lullaby version of Thunderstruck is worth listening to. 

You do sometimes wonder if you are going to mess them up with all your trial and errors though. A comedian once was talking about how his son had terrible diaper rash and they knew they had to dry it off before they put on a new diaper. They decided to use a hair dryer after a bum change. He said the boy’s face would light up when he would turn on the hair dryer and the crying would immediately stop. He became slightly concerned because he could picture his son in 30 years from now paying a prostitute to blow dry his rear end. Hopefully we don’t mess them up too much but psychologists need work too. Consider it your contribution to the economy. 

TIP #4 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT: 

Become a Liar

So last month I said how much I hate liars and that everyone around you is one. And now this month I am saying become one. I know - I hate myself for saying it but it is why people lie when parenting. It makes you feel better. You lie so that you can somehow convince yourself (like other parents) that everything is great. (I think this might be true for people with pets too). And because we are sleep deprived, we forget what actually happened and this story we created may have actually been the truth. We have no idea what is real. We aren't sure if we are in the Matrix or not.  When people ask about how things are going, you put on your best poker face and tell them everything is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious – Mary Poppins was clearly suffering from a lack of sleep to come up with that word. Of course, people may tell from the bags under your eyes or the lack of coherent sentence structure that you are lying. But that doesn’t matter. Become one of those people I complained about last month. Do what you have to do to cope, and lie to everyone else about what really happens.

A co-worker of mine told me that her kid slept in their bed for years (and I mean years) but she wouldn’t tell anyone because she thought they would judge her. When she had company over, she would go into the kid’s room and “unmake” the bed. That way her guests and/or in-laws thought the kid slept there but came out to their bed in the mornings. The reality is anyone who has been a parent in the last ten years will not really judge you. Those who have had kids greater than 10 years ago have no real recollection and are liars anyway.  But even if no one will judge you, it definitely feels better to pretend to the world that everything is magical in your house – because Pinterest and parenting books tell you that you should have things figured out by week two of your child’s life.  If you need to lie to cope, go ahead. Just make sure you get your story lined up so that folks like me don’t come in and keep asking questions until the truth comes out. You need to have all your witnesses, alibis, and facts lined up. This co-worker unmaking the bed was a brilliant move and I probably would stop asking questions after I CSI’ed their house and found the bed unmade.  I am not sure I have enough energy to actually keep that charade up for years but hats off to her for that level of commitment. She should definitely be an undercover agent for the FBI or something.

The trick to lying though, is to figure out how much lying you should actually do. You don’t want to be one of those people that tell others that everything is great and magical all the time (because people like me will want to throat punch you) but you also don’t want to scare the crap out of anyone who has new children (or is pregnant). I can only imagine the look on people’s face if I told them how many times I screamed and cried myself. They probably would have me committed to an institution where I would get fed all day and have someone clean up after me and get lots of sleep – WAIT! What was I thinking?! 

So you have to be truthful enough to remind people that things sometimes suck and that you can join together in solidarity. However, you don’t want to put the whole truth out there and have your matrix world come crashing down.  Take the red pill instead and stay in Wonderland, Neo. No one who is sleep-deprived actually has the energy to bend over backwards and dodge bullets anyway.